My new alarm clock

A few months ago I was doing my typical Monday morning thing, which is avoiding work. Now before potential clients get turned off, let me explain that a few years ago when I started working for myself I decided that the purpose of being self-employed was to eliminate the down side of work. Since most employed individuals will agree that Monday mornings are a big hairy drag, I hope you'll respect my decision to eliminate them from my work week. I've replaced them with Monday evenings, which used to be laundry night. I didn't like laundry night either, so instead of doing laundry on Monday nights, I work. If you need to know when I get my laundry done, I'll tell you when I figure that one out... Anyway...

While sitting at the coffee shop on a Monday morning enjoying conversation, a woman got up and announced she had to go. "I'm doing the substitute teacher training," she said. "Oh, I've always wanted to do that," I said, which was only a half truth. It is true that I had thought about getting myself on the substitute list, but I had usually replaced that thought with a reality check reminding me that I make pretty good money as a writer and would have trouble dealing with clients if I was locked up in a school all day. Anyway, I'd never actually put "Become a substitute teacher" on my to do list, but on this particular Monday I decided, "Why not?"

"Come along," my new friend said. It's just over at the school administration building (two minutes away) and it takes just an hour or so." "Sure," I had replied, and off we went, lattes in hand.

So I went to substitute teacher training, got trained, and even followed up by delivering a copy of my graduate school transcripts, social security card, and driver's license proudly to the school office. I received word that I passed my background check and was an official substitute. I used my training to go online and sign up for the automated system that would allow me to pick and choose among the plum assignments at any of the local schools of my choosing, whenever I had a free day or otherwise wanted to help young minds blossom, I could teach. Awesome!

"This is so cool," I thought, imagining the thrill on my 13-year-old's face when he saw Mommy subbing in his math class. I couldn't wait for the first call, the first assignment, the first rush of exhilaration I'd get from actually teaching young minds something new. I was going to make a difference, not just write some ad drivel.

My bubble began to burst immediately upon announcing my new status to my kids. "Just don't come to my school" my 7th grader said. "Don't you think I'd be a good teacher?" I asked, reminding the boys how I'd taught them how to use computers and make pretty posters for class projects.

"Substitutes don't teach, Mom," my older son informed me. "When we have a sub, we usually either review something or mess around." "Well, you won't mess around when I'm your sub," I informed the sophomore sternly. "Just don't come to my school, Mom," he warned.

Okay, no problem, I would limit myself to teaching assignments at the elementary level so as to avoid embarrassing encounters with my teens. I also decided to list myself as available to teach in the alternative school. Problem kids have always been a pet project of mine. After all, I was sort of one myself. I figured I'd be the best thing that ever happened to those kids who hate school enough to get kicked out and sentenced to alternative school.

So after a few weeks of never getting a call to sub, I went online to see what was going on. There I discovered that I had not checked the box that said, "Call me!" So I enthusiastically checked "Call me any day," and logged out, hoping that the next day my first assignment would come and I'd begin nurturing young minds.

Promptly at 6:15 the next morning, my phone rang. "One day assignment" the voice said. "Not a good day," I replied, so I opted out. The next day at 6:15, the phone rang again, "Special ed at the middle school," Not my cup of tea. The third day...kindergarten at Lakeview...what do they think I am, crazy? The next day, "one week assignment at the alternative school," I'm a little busy to take that on...and so on, and so on...so that now we're into the second semester and I still haven't taught.

But I have come to rely on the phone to wake me up. It's interesting to note that there are more needs for substitutes on Mondays and Fridays. I wonder why? It's also interesting to note that there were a lot of assignments the day after Halloween (veteran teachers do not want to deal with sugar crashes), and no assignments during test weeks. It has me wondering whether or not these teachers are REALLY sick.

Anyway, the chances of me subbing seem to be getting thinner and thinner. Eventually the machine will probably quit calling me. I also got notice that the state legislature now requires uncertified teachers to get fingerprinted. That's way too big brother for me. I think I'll pass.

So let's just let it suffice that until the system kicks me out, I'm using it as my personal wake up call. It's much more personal than an alarm buzzer and far more effective than the radio. I like to know that I'm at least wanted in our nation's public schools, although it is a little scary that with absolutely no experience and an hour of training I am qualified.